Tips on Finding a Job

I’ve received several helpful tips from friends and family on how to improve my job prospects, and what’s so lovely is that I hadn’t even asked for their advice. The following examples are particularly helpful – it really is a wonder I haven’t got a job already with this lot at my disposal!

• Hmm, you haven’t got much on your CV have you? Why don’t you include that art prize you won when you were eight for drawing that chrysanthemum?

My mum, having glanced at my pitiful CV. I have now included this accolade, along with my 200m swimming qualification, and milk-monitoring credentials. Form an orderly queue blue-chip corporations!

• You’ve led an incredibly sheltered life and you need to get out there more.

This advice came from an individual who was brought up in a multi-million pound mansion in the home counties, attended an elite boarding school up until the age of eighteen, and now has a high-powered job thanks to one of his parent’s contacts. Needless to say I took the former chorister's advice and hit the mean streets where he spent his youth. I witnessed some pretty harrowing shit there – including a vegetable-growing contest that got out of hand.

• Contacts? I’ve got hundreds of contacts – why didn’t you ask before!... Would you be interested in landscape gardening for example?

My Dad, having been told repeatedly that I’m interested in PR and Communications.

• Yeah, I went to university too. [Laughs] It's called the University of Life. 

I’ve received advice from several people who attended that hallowed institution ‘The University of Life.’ They regard actual university education as a total waste of time, and what’s more they repeatedly tell you so. They’re right of course - I mean, who does need to know why it’s wrong to use an apostrophe on a sign that says apple’s?

• Sounds like your life is gonna be a lot more depressing to go back to than mine.

A heartening observation from a gentleman I discussed careers with on my travels. He left school with no qualifications, owns his own business, and has five holidays a year. Oh how I miss him!

• Hmm, what job would you be good at? How about a real-life tooth-fairy? Then you’d get money for teeth.

This came from a particularly witty chum of mine. Ignoring the fact that this would possibly be the least lucrative job in the world (said mythical creature in fact gives money for teeth) who wouldn’t enjoy wearing a tutu and sneaking into people’s bedrooms like a common thief?!

Aside from helpful advice such as this, sometimes all you need is a good old success story to spur you on. Here are three of the most inspiring, courtesy of Facebook: 

• “Just got head-hunted by a top London security firm. Also have a summer internship at Cambridge, so go me!”

• “Now I have an interview for a graduate scheme in central London...that's the 6th recruitment agency that have rung me today!”

• “Masters degree done, flat-hunting in Chelsea successful, first pay-cheque received, half Friday tomorrow, birthday party at Mahikis next week, holiday to Sri Lanka in 8 days…I love my life!”

I personally couldn’t be more thrilled for such individuals, and I have no doubt that you will be too. Some might have deleted them as friends on Facebook in an embittered cull, but I certainly am not one of these people. Of course, one can just change one’s settings so that one no longer receives news-feeds from said individuals, thus leaving one’s already dwindling friends-list entirely uncompromised…but this would be petty in the extreme.

So, if you have any success stories that you’d like to share then this is the forum to do it. I’d be particularly keen to hear from people who have got high-powered jobs but are otherwise unfortunate in one of the following departments: 

• Looks
• Brains
• Social Standing (we all love a spot of good old fashioned nepotism, but it would be interesting to know how the little people have managed to claw their way up the corporate ladder!)

Talking of little people, my sister pointed out a frightfully interesting fact about the unemployed demographic: you will never see a dwarf in the dole queue, particularly in panto season. Must look up the cut-off point for dwarfism to see if I qualify at 5 ft 2.