Tips on Finding a Job

I’ve received several helpful tips from friends and family on how to improve my job prospects, and what’s so lovely is that I hadn’t even asked for their advice. The following examples are particularly helpful – it really is a wonder I haven’t got a job already with this lot at my disposal!

• Hmm, you haven’t got much on your CV have you? Why don’t you include that art prize you won when you were eight for drawing that chrysanthemum?

My mum, having glanced at my pitiful CV. I have now included this accolade, along with my 200m swimming qualification, and milk-monitoring credentials. Form an orderly queue blue-chip corporations!

• You’ve led an incredibly sheltered life and you need to get out there more.

This advice came from an individual who was brought up in a multi-million pound mansion in the home counties, attended an elite boarding school up until the age of eighteen, and now has a high-powered job thanks to one of his parent’s contacts. Needless to say I took the former chorister's advice and hit the mean streets where he spent his youth. I witnessed some pretty harrowing shit there – including a vegetable-growing contest that got out of hand.

• Contacts? I’ve got hundreds of contacts – why didn’t you ask before!... Would you be interested in landscape gardening for example?

My Dad, having been told repeatedly that I’m interested in PR and Communications.

• Yeah, I went to university too. [Laughs] It's called the University of Life. 

I’ve received advice from several people who attended that hallowed institution ‘The University of Life.’ They regard actual university education as a total waste of time, and what’s more they repeatedly tell you so. They’re right of course - I mean, who does need to know why it’s wrong to use an apostrophe on a sign that says apple’s?

• Sounds like your life is gonna be a lot more depressing to go back to than mine.

A heartening observation from a gentleman I discussed careers with on my travels. He left school with no qualifications, owns his own business, and has five holidays a year. Oh how I miss him!

• Hmm, what job would you be good at? How about a real-life tooth-fairy? Then you’d get money for teeth.

This came from a particularly witty chum of mine. Ignoring the fact that this would possibly be the least lucrative job in the world (said mythical creature in fact gives money for teeth) who wouldn’t enjoy wearing a tutu and sneaking into people’s bedrooms like a common thief?!

Aside from helpful advice such as this, sometimes all you need is a good old success story to spur you on. Here are three of the most inspiring, courtesy of Facebook: 

• “Just got head-hunted by a top London security firm. Also have a summer internship at Cambridge, so go me!”

• “Now I have an interview for a graduate scheme in central London...that's the 6th recruitment agency that have rung me today!”

• “Masters degree done, flat-hunting in Chelsea successful, first pay-cheque received, half Friday tomorrow, birthday party at Mahikis next week, holiday to Sri Lanka in 8 days…I love my life!”

I personally couldn’t be more thrilled for such individuals, and I have no doubt that you will be too. Some might have deleted them as friends on Facebook in an embittered cull, but I certainly am not one of these people. Of course, one can just change one’s settings so that one no longer receives news-feeds from said individuals, thus leaving one’s already dwindling friends-list entirely uncompromised…but this would be petty in the extreme.

So, if you have any success stories that you’d like to share then this is the forum to do it. I’d be particularly keen to hear from people who have got high-powered jobs but are otherwise unfortunate in one of the following departments: 

• Looks
• Brains
• Social Standing (we all love a spot of good old fashioned nepotism, but it would be interesting to know how the little people have managed to claw their way up the corporate ladder!)

Talking of little people, my sister pointed out a frightfully interesting fact about the unemployed demographic: you will never see a dwarf in the dole queue, particularly in panto season. Must look up the cut-off point for dwarfism to see if I qualify at 5 ft 2. 

Mad-Cap Job Applications

Gone are the days before sexual harassment was bad, when one could just flash a bit of leg to secure a job; nowadays we have to do a lot more to set us apart from other candidates. Take this wag for example: said candidate folded her CV and covering letter for Ted Baker into dear little origami shirts along with the exquisitely crafted conceit:

There’s nothing quite like the feel of a crisp new dress shirt…the scent of the finest quality cotton…the feel of substantial buttons…and all expertly tailored by British manufacturers.

Ted Baker knew quality when he saw it. Unfold this candidate’s portfolio and experience quality for yourself.

Unfortunately I – I mean, said candidate – didn’t get the job. The silly billy got so carried away with their origami-ing that they forgot to write the relevant details on the envelope meaning that their application didn’t reach the correct department on time.

Nonetheless, origami is still a widely recognised technique to get your application noticed by employers – particularly those based in the orient - so why not have a bash yourself by following the simple instructions in this link:

http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-make-an-origami-shirt

Many thanks to the anonymous candidate who shared that one - I think you'll all agree they're pretty creative and maverick in their approach to job applications! If you have a similarly mad-cap story on how you got yourself noticed then please share it here. 

My Ideal Job

Ultimately, I’d very much like to be a writer and am in the process of writing my long-awaited ouvre. There are several writers who inspire me: Vladimir Nabokov, Sylvia Plath, John Donne, Kazuo Ishiguro…but the most inspirational of all is the one who writes the tag-lines for the Sainsbury’s Basics range.

If I could emulate the works of the nameless wag – the linguistic libertine – who currently writes the Basics taglines, then I would die happy. Here’s a link to the appreciation sight for your enjoyment:

http://en-gb.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=6047628147&topic=3539

The one for Basics roast chicken has particular resonance for me, describing said product as ‘smaller than most: still worth a roast’ (I may change my ‘about me’ bit on Facebook to that). Then there’s the one for Basics garlic bread that simply says: ‘still takes your breath away’ – I’ve chuckled many a time over that one, and I doubt I'm alone in doing so.  

But such tag-lines provoke more than just a smile; I firmly believe that they perform a social function too. For example, a crack-addict single mum living in a high-rise could reach into an otherwise barren cupboard, see one of these tag-lines, and say ‘D’you know what? Life isn’t so bad after all.’

This is what I want to achieve with my writing: changing the world one tag-line at a time.  I'd be doing something similar to what Dickens attempted, except I'd do it in a much more succint and humorous way.  

So, if you’d like to give me a job as a copywriter (preferably for Sainsbury’s basics, although I will accept offers from more Bourgeois enterprises) then do not hesitate to get in touch. Even better - if anyone knows the Sainsburys Basics copywriter then tell him/her to contact me immediately and let me know how they secured such a prestigious job.

The best things about being unemployed and living back at home...

Some might cite lengthy lie-ins. Others might enjoy bumping into school bullies who were once deemed attractive but have now ballooned into prematurely-ageing messes who sit at the bus-stop outside Wilkinsons with their screaming progeny. I, however, would cite Bon Maman crème caramels.

My lovely mother is a proper “mummy” mummy who enjoys nothing more than feeding people up. Aside from hearty home-made grub such as lasagne, moussaka, and fresh mint lamb burgers, she also supplies a bounteous stock of snackles and treaties. The latter delights are left under my custodianship as Mum is usually on some kind of a diet.  Her diets are a bit of a joke a) because she doesn’t need to be on one, and b) because they rarely last.

‘I’ll just have a tiny sliver’ she’ll say, cutting herself a minute portion of millionaire slice, that’s barely worth the effort, before putting it back in its container for the next day. She’ll then creep back to the container an hour later, and every subsequent hour, until the whole thing is gone – I don’t know why she doesn’t just eat the whole thing in the first place instead of going through this ludicrous charade. 

The only other bother with Mum’s supply of treats is that they aren’t particularly varied. Once she’s cottoned on to a product, you know you’ll be having it every single night for the next three months. At the moment it’s these Bon Maman crème caramels. They’re an up-market version of the dessert that every fridge contained in the 90s – you know the ones, with the little flap on the bottom so that you could tip them upside-down on a plate, and pour the caramel over. My brother in law calls them “Pikey Puds,” but I personally take umbrage to this pejorative label. Sure, the Bon Maman offerings are infinitely creamier and tastier, but I challenge him to look me in the eye and say he doesn’t miss the sense of well-being, and showmanship that came with the erstwhile confections.

Anyway, next time I come up with a good aspect of living at home, I will be sure to update you. No doubt it will revolve around another snack that I was too impoverished to buy when I was a student (actually, I was pretty decadent when I was a student and was frequently mocked for tucking into salmon when everyone else was eating pot-noodle). They were clearly jealous that while they were getting illicit sex, I was getting my omegas, so yah-boo sucks to them!